Rising up from the wreckage....

Sounds daunting, overwhelming, almost impossible.
There is a lot of wreckage going on in my life currently. So much so that rising up from it seems virtually impossible. I know it will happen, I'm a strong person. I know it will take time, I'm an able person. I know there will be peace again, I'm a believing person. But sometimes, the wreckage can be overwhelming.
Having to rise up from any form of wreckage usually goes hand in hand with finding confidence again. As I look back over the last two years I can see a trend. As the "wreckage" gets deeper, my confidence level gets lower. Confidence in everything. It's a hard place to be. It's a dark and lonely place to be. Rising up from hurt, pain, anger, shaken confidence can be a feat and many people don't, can't, won't do it. It's much easier being the person that says, "Woe, is me." It's much harder to be the person that stands up and determines that no matter what has happened, it can be okay, it will be okay, and ..... rise up. There was a song back 2007 by R. Kelly (I know, really? R. Kelly...but read the words). The chorus goes like this:
"Rise up, when you feel you can't go on. Rise up, when you feel your hope is gone. Rise up, when you're weak and you can't be strong. Rise up, when the tears start to fall. Rise up, when you feel you've given it your all."
I have no idea the background story to this song, or why it was written. But how appropriate. Rising up, rebuilding your confidence isn't easy, no one said it would be. But there is help. There is hope in the idea that rising up from the wreckage can be done. It is a daunting and overwhelming task. It's scary and hard and painful. But it is possible.

"Such confidence as this is ours through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our confidence comes from God." 1 Cor. 3:4-5

Zephania 3:17

"The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing."

I have this verse tattooed on my wrist (my mom hates that!). I chose this verse for my son while he was in the hospital. Every day he was there I prayed this verse over him. When he entered the NICU, my mom gave me a small journal to write each day in. She told me that I would look back on the pages of the journal and I would want to remember that time; the good, the bad and the ugly. This verse was a theme throughout. I needed something/someone bigger than me or all the doctors to save him. Little did I know that when I chose this verse it would end up being such a big part of my life.
The Lord your God is with you. When I am crying alone on the freeway driving home from the hospital. When I am sitting with my baby boy AT HOME, fully recovered and whole. When I am searching for answers and think there are none. When I am all alone. When there does not seem to be an end in sight. He is with me.
He is mighty to save. Thank God. He not only saves, but He is mighty. When I needed Him to be mighty and save Ethan. When I need Him to pick me up because I cannot stand on my own. He is mighty and He saves. Thank God.
He takes great delight in me. Even when there are other people who want to destroy and take the delight away, He delights in me!
He will quiet me with His spirit. Ok, this one gets me. When I get nervous, scared, unsure, I go from 0 to 60 in a split second. I go from one extreme to the next and there is no stopping in sight. He will quiet me. He will gently whisper, "Slow your roll, chica!". This is usually done through my mom! However it happens, He does. He gives me answers and quiets me.
He rejoices over me. Even when I have the worst idea of myself and think I cannot continue, He rejoices over me.
I love this verse. Life has and will be a roller coaster, but man.....My God is Mighty to Save!!

Tears

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." - Revelation 21:4
I have dear friend who introduced me to this verse. It speaks volumes doesn't it? When the pain is overwhelming; when the crying will not stop; when the mourning for something that once was seems as though it will never end, this is when He wipes the tears away. This is when He carries you instead of walks beside you.
Today is and will be tearful. But I know that eventually they will stop and I know why, because He has wiped them away.

Hungry???

Every day I get sent a devotional. Today's was about having an insatiable hunger for Jesus and His love. I read it, I agreed with it, I thought about it, I wanted to be able to write that I too have an insatiable hunger for Jesus. I stopped half way through my morning. Do I have this? Do I even understand what this means?
When I think about an insatiable hunger for God, I think blaring my Natalie Grant CD while on my way to a church service where I will learn how to make my $1 stretch and feed an entire village in Haiti. All while wearing an I love Jesus t-shirt and a WWJD bracelet, a bag of "Meet My God" pamphlets and the sinner's prayer memorized. Obviously, this is wrong. Insatiable hunger, in my opinion, is not this. This seems misguided to me. BUT, how many times have we encountered someone who DOES think this way, Christian or non? How many people have we met that find out we are a Christian and automatically go here?
I think, like a lot of us, we are in desperate desire to want a true insatiable hunger for Christ, but perhaps we need to take baby steps. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean not ready to be insatiably hungry for God, but some of us just need to be able to say, "ok, I can't (fill in the blank) so You (fill in the blank)." Some of us just need to be able to sit down and trust that the rest of the day, week, month, will be okay because we know He will take care of us. Maybe there are those of us who need to just trust that this moment is going to be taken care of (even if my "I love JC" t shirt is in the wash!). I think so many times we get caught up in being the perfect Christian or even a Christian that has the outward appearance of being perfect. Guess what? Not gonna happen.
So here is my challenge...desire to have an insatiable hunger for your Lord. BUT, understand that if your hunger is not "insatiable" right now, it can be....

Life sometimes blows!

Today has been the hardest day to date over the past few months. I had forgotten just how malicious and mean spirited people can be. I had forgotten that being civil and adult like is NOT the norm any longer. I had forgotten how much one single person can cry at any given moment. BUT, I had also forgotten the resounding strength of family; the pure hearts of people who simply want the best for you. After all of that I get to look at this.....this little boy who is AAAMMMMAAAAZZZINNNGGGG!!!!! I love you Ethan!

Disappointment expected...

After having a baby, I realized what true exhaustion was. After taking care of that baby alone, exhaustion increased to a whole new level. After taking care of that baby alone, while trying to handle life.....frankly....it takes an act of God to get me through a day. Being tired is getting old!
That's not at all what this post is about, but sometimes a chick just needs to vent.
Anyway...
We have all been disappointed at some point or another. Either by a person, a situation, (balancing our checkbooks...LOL), but we have all been there. I think the hardest thing to work through when dealing with disappointment from a person, is the impact it has on every aspect of you, your day, your attitude...everything.
I've been disappointed a lot lately, by a multitude of things and people. So why keep going? Why keep trying? The cliche answer is, "for my kids," "for my family." All great answers but sometimes ya just need more. I was reading this morning and came across an article about dealing the disappointment and our response to it. The basic idea of the article was saying, "What now Lord?" instead of saying, "Why God?" I thought this was interesting. It's easier said than done. Disappointment automatically brings the inevitable question of, "why?" Why did he say that? Why didn't he follow through? Why did she talk about me? Why? Why? Why? Why?
At first glance of this article I agreed, okay okay, good point and that's great. But as the day progressed and more disappointment was heaped on top of more disappointment, this idea started to resonate. Not why is this happening to me? I have been a good person and I don't deserve this. Notice anything in those sentences? There's a lot of "I's". I think the point of making the transition between Why God and What now God is taking the focus off of our troubles and woes and placing the focus on Him. Again, this is easier said than done and it certainly sounds like a Sunday sermon lesson, I get it! BUT, hear me out.
When you are faced with disappointment today and tomorrow, instead of asking why (okay, let's be real here, instead of cursing and THEN asking why), ask what now. I think you'll be fairly surprised at how quickly you change.
Time for a real life example. As a single momma, I had a part time job to pay some bills. It was great, they were great, I was doing well and they liked me. There were some MAJOR changes in the company and my position was "altered." That's a fancy way of saying they made a mistake when hiring a part time person and really needed a full time person, so now they are trying to figure out how to CYA! When they called and told me that my job had been altered, I was NOT happy. In fact, I was pissed. I had made plans, budgeted, worked out childcare, bought the clothes....all for nothing. DISAPPOINTED MUCH! I asked why a lot!!! But today, as I sat in front of the computer trying to piece together what the next chapter in my life was going to look like, I realized how asking why was NOT helping. I have no answers, but I know that when I stopped asking why and started asking what now, it allowed me to start seeing what could be.
What about you? When your spouse does something, stupid, irresponsible, hurtful..are you asking why or what now Lord? When your kids disappoint you..are you asking why or what now Lord? When you loose a job...are you asking why or what now Lord? When everyone seems to be doing well and you feel like you are being left in the dust...are you asking why or what now Lord?
I get it. This is a hard thing to do, but aren't we promised that He will work things together for our good? Aren't we told to not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself? Isn't it commanded of us to have faith like a child? No matter how painful or heartbreaking the disappointment might be, God's answer to our question, "What now Lord?" is ALWAYS, "Trust me, trust me."
So really the question comes down to that, will you trust Him through the disappointments??

Do I measure up?

In some way, shape or form I think all of us ask ourselves this everyday. Do I measure up? As a mom? As a spouse? As a daughter, sister, friend? As an employee? As a boss? Do I measure up to the expectations of those around me....or dare I say it....to my own expectations? How often do we try and measure up to standards that we have set on ourselves that are much higher than those that others have set? Not to say that keeping our standards high is a bad thing.


I need constant reminding not to measure myself against others, their families, their jobs, their friends, their relationships. How many times do we compare ourselves to others throughout any given day? It's crazy when you think about it. But it's probably one of the hardest things NOT to do.

For those of you who need a reminder today....
You are accepted. Take a moment and remember that there are people in your life who accept you. For every roll, dimple, gray hair and stretch mark! They love you no matter what and, even more importantly, accept you no matter what.
You are secure. If you know Jesus, you are secure. You are a child of the One who says, "Come to Me and I will keep you." Don't forget that. It's important. When you don't think you can pay the bills. When you don't think your kids will ever listen to you. You are secure and Jesus has you in His hands.
Okay, here is the most important one.....
You are significant. That takes some getting use to. Understanding who you are and what you mean to Him, is a lifetime process.
I'm only just now starting to get it, but man....this takes a while.
As I write this I am remembering a very specific conversation I had with my mom one day. I don't even remember the context in which we were talking, but she said something to me that I will NEVER forget. She told me that she loved me (duh?), but then she got very quiet and turned to me and said, but I like you! That has stuck with me all these years. It was all three of those lessons tied up in one sentence, " I like you."
So, once again, let me remind you...
You are accepted, secure and significant!

My girls.....

I bet you thought I was going to talk about boobs, huh?????? LOL, nope!!!!
Instead I want to discuss my girls, the ladies in my world, the women I call friends, sisters...

A tribute to the women in my life:
who know exactly what to and not to say to me.
who understand when I cry it might not be about a physical pain.
who believe me when I say something.
who catch me when I am falling.....into something, away from something, or toward something.
who pick me up when I slip, fall or spiral.
who love me even in my glasses and sweat pants!
who challenge me.
who love my child as much as I do.
who will tell me exactly what I need to hear even when I want to slap them for saying it.

You know who you are and I want to acknowledge you. The past 2 years have been a roller coaster and much of it has been painful and full of heartache. It didn't matter. You were there; to talk to, to wipe tears away, to pray with, to shop with, to breathe with. You were there. We have said it to one another many times, but without you I could not have made it through. I want to say it once more. Without you, without your words, without your prayers, without your kind hearts, without your love, I would not have made it through. I will not make it through.
And so, I raise my sippy cup full of red wine and toast you....my girls.
I love you!

10 Random thoughts from a sleep deprived mom

1. When the ONE thing you look forward to during the week is The Bachelorette and a glass of wine, you know you need a vaca! Badly!
2. As time goes on, I get less worried about having flat abs and more worried about the fact that I have a "flat" wallet.
3. It's 8:32pm, my son has been crying for exactly 17 minutes and is not asleep. I'm not worried or anxious, I'm just annoyed.
4. Doesn't the idea of a spray tan sound better than having to find the 17 hours a week you need to get the same effect?
5. When did listening to mix CD's become old? Now everyone has their iPod and has left me in the dust!
6. I L-O-V-E clean, fresh sheets. But, when that means that I have to do an extra load of laundry and it's already 10pm, I'll just take the mildly refreshing scent of my shampoo from that morning and call it good.
7. I check facebook like I'm in high school. Did they accept my friend request, I ask myself, anxiously awaiting to see if the little red comment box at the top of the page appears.
8. The contents of my purse currently include 42 pens (because I NEVER have one when I need one), 2 pacifiers, 1 coupon for $1 off a bottle of pinot noir, and 3 suckers (so that when I am at the store utilizing my coupon, my kid wont make a scene).
9. The last full book I read was Goodnight Moon. I'm not even sad about that. This is a good read!
10. I swore that when I became a mom I would never do certain things. I ate my words this week when I went to the store. Me: no makeup, hair up, sports bra, sweats and a tank top. Son: Wet diaper, old t shirt covered with eggs, syrup, juice from the grapes he ate, dried lemonade, and a sucker in his hand that had been dropped in his car seat and had a gold fish stuck to it. Note: no shoes, no shorts on son. The crazy thing is....I was in and out of that store in less than 10 minutes and I thought I ROCKED!!!!!
Just some random thoughts from and for those of us who know life is way to complicated sometimes!!!!

Sisters, hmmmm.....

I spent this weekend spending time with my sister, a lot of time. She is home from college for the summer and I spent the weekend with her at her house. As I "look forward" (sense the tone....mind you, this could have a lot to do with having only one cup of coffee in me so far....) to the next adult decision I need to make, I look at her. She is a 20-something and has the "normal" decisions to make in life. Do I want a grande or venti at Starbucks? Do I buy this shirt or that one? But as I watched her this weekend I noticed something about her. She is a determined, dedicated and amazingly beautiful young woman. I watched her have a girls night with her girlfriends. I watched her make dinner for Ethan and I. I watched her make sure that our grandfather, who is 81 and has health issues, was not only comfortable, but had everything and anything he needed. I watched and watched as she made decisions, as I have for the 20 years she has been around (I can't seem to shake her...).
Erin, I am proud to call you sister. I am happy to call you friend. I am excited to see where our God will take you.
You are loved beyond words and life without you would be boring and dull, albeit quieter.... :)
I wouldn't trade you for anything (I will interject here an apology to the times when we were younger that I actually tried to trade you in).
I love you sister!

Ethan is 2!!!!!

My son turns 2 tomorrow. I am so proud of the kid he has become there are no words....well, that's not true....here goes....
Becoming a mother for the first time is a terrifying, beautiful experience. I had no clue motherhood wold be so fulfilling and so stinking hard at the same time. It has been, in the words of another great mom, "an endless opportunity for guilt and worry." My heart sings knowing he is in my life.
Ethan is a strong willed and smart boy's boy. He is a lover of people. He is the BEST giver of hugs.
I feel like Ethan is more like his dad than he is like me. Sometimes that is good; sometimes it is the most challenging part of being his mom. It is always stretching me and always keeping me on my knees.
He has taught me much about being a mom. I had no idea there would be so much to learn. "E" baby, here are a just a few things you have taught your momma....

• He taught me labor pains are NOT in your stomach




• He has taught me the importance of admitting that I...the adult...am wrong at times




• He has taught me that when it comes to kids...more is CAUGHT that TAUGHT




• He has taught me that to a certain degree we can mold our kids. But, they are really born with personalities that simply God given




• He taught me to never again say, "when I have kids I will never....(whatever)". Yeah right. You will eat your words at some point




• He has taught me the importance of journaling and taking pictures. He has grown so quickly. You think you will remember every cute thing they say and do, but you just won't




• He taught me eating whatever you want during pregnancy will still be kicking your in the a$$ years later




• Ethan has shown me a momma-bear side of myself that I didn't even know existed




• He has taught me that a child's actions are not always the result of the child's parenting




• He has lovingly has shown me that breastfeeding is NOT the most easy, natural, beautiful thing in the world




• I learned fast that colic SUCKS




• Ethan continues to show me that the line between wanting my kid to be brave and ready for the world and yet wanting to shelter him from the dangers of it is so often blurred




• I have learned that to some degree it's ok to negotiate with my kid (even as a toddler)




• He has taught me I cannot parent without Jesus, PERIOD.




• He has helped me to give grace to my parents. They too were first time parents and, like me, are did the very best they could.




• He has taught me what it's like to love something so much it almost physically hurts. I have never known love like that before becoming a mom.

I have learned so much about myself because of him, the good, the bad and the ugly. My prayer is that God will honor the attempts I have made to parent him in the best way I know how. This child rearing stuff isn't easy, but he is worth every second.

I love him FIERCELY!!!

Why?

I ask this A LOT. Why did they do that? Why did he say that? Why (fill in the blank)? It seems like a never ending cycle of why. Today was just one of those days. I asked why a lot...for good things and for not so good things, why? I'm wrestling with this more and more recently. Why would God put "me and mine" through these situations, dilemmas, heartaches and pains? It's a question I think everyone faces at some point. Whether you believe in God or not, I'm sure you have asked why.
I wish I could sit here and answer that question. I wish I had some magic answer that would make me and those I cherish (heck, everyone...) understand or feel some sense of relief, but I don't. All I know is that today I have to face today. Tomorrow I will face tomorrow and all of it's why's then. Today the why questions are abundant. I guess all I can say is a simple prayer:
"Jesus, I am thankful and grateful that when I say why, You say, 'It's in My hands. I know the plans I have for you and they are to prosper you and give you hope and a future.' " Think about that as you say why today. I wish this verse had a follow up verse that said something like, "And all you need to do is 1.2.3, a.b.c." Wouldn't that be nice? BUT, that's not faith. That's not trusting in the One who promises hope and a future. Today, the why's are heavy and numerous, but resting in the idea that I don't have to know the answers because my God does, makes it okay...today anyway.

Do you worry?

I do. A lot. In fact, I think I might be in my own category. I worry about the big things all the way to ridiculous things. For example, I worry about making sure that all of our bills are paid next month, but I also worry about making sure my TWO YEAR OLD is on the waiting list for the right kindergarten. WHAT?! How can this be? Why worry so much? My mom always tells me to take everything one day at time. Here is how absolutely ridiculous I can be...I worry at times, that I'm worrying too much. HELLO.........uuuummmm yes.
Today was one of those worrisome days. A lot has been changing in my world for the past several months and worry just seems to come with the territory. I wish I could be one of those people that sits back and says, "I have to take life one day at a time." No way! I am a planner, a list maker, an organizer (an organized life is a happy life....), a pre-meditated, multitasker who likes to know the answers to questions asked of her and who doesn't like "constructive feedback." That's just not me.....
So, today, as I walked through this day (a day by the way that was just....bad), I wondered...why do I worry so much? After all day of thinking about this and trying to gather some sense of semblance about what was/is going on in my world, I still don't have answer. Could it be that some of us are just programmed to worry? Could it be that I am just a "worry-wart?" Or (now get ready, Im going to get a bit spiritual) could it be that I am trying to control things that are ultimately out of my control?
We are commanded not to worry. Easy for them to say! But when I think about it, how much faith would it take for me to say, "ok God, all You. I have no idea how the bills will get paid. I have no idea if we will be safe. I have no idea if my son will be okay. But, all You." That takes faith on a level that I rarely am at. But, my prayer is that one day I will be that person that can say, it's all you God, because I can't. Today was a day of worry, but my prayer is that that gets better (at least a little) and that life as I know it...tomorrow....will be a little less worrisome!

A birth day.....

Today my nephew is one...
Ayden Patrick Sidener - you are one today! I still remember when I found out you were coming. It was a day just like any other day. It was sunny, it was warm, it was a day that was like any other day. Or at least I thought so. As I laid my head to sleep I got a call from your mom. She was so happy, excited and nervous. But as the months went on and your arrival came closer and closer it became obvious just how loved you were going to be.
I am proud to call you my nephew. I am so excited to see where God is going to take you and how He is going to lead you. You are destined for great and wonderful things and I am so happy to call you family. I love you!

A faithful day.....

Soooo, my son is turning 2 on Friday. Yikes! I have a 2 year old. When did that happen? But more honestly, how did that happen? Just yesterday he was a mere thought and I was navigating my way through amazon.com finding crib sheets for little boys. The past 2 years have been great...WRONG! The past 2 years have been hard, challenging, tearful, annoying, long, but in all honesty I wouldn't trade them for anything.
When Ethan was born he spent several weeks in the NICU. As a new mom you NEVER expect that your new little wonder would be sick, let alone so sick you could actually loose him. Loose him! Loose him before you got to see what color his eyes were. Loose him before you got to see him smile or giggle or run or play with other kids.
Luckily, that was not in plan, nor in God's. 4 days shy of 2 years, my little man is going strong and is living up to all the stories and tales I have heard about having a little boy.
The day he was born, I said a prayer. Not knowing that 23 hours later he would be here, I said a prayer I had said many times in the past. It was "that prayer" that we say on the fly, when we want to say...something, but are tired, worn out, or simply not in the mood. It was based on the verse Zephania 3:17, for the Lord Your God is strong and mighty to save. How true, right? He is strong when we aren't. He is strong when we can't be. It seems simple and profound and wonderful all at the same time. But, it wasn't until that faithful day...that day my son was hooked up to more tubes and needles and machines than I could count, that I realized just how mighty, just how big, He truly is.
I'm sitting here watching Ethan play with books and blocks and talking to himself (which he does a lot). He loves balls and cars and thinks it's hilarious when he "toots." I don't know what I would do if he had not gotten to come home with me all those weeks later. Several months ago I tattooed that verse on my left wrist. Not to be cool or hip (let's just face it, I have never been those things, no need trying now.....hahahahaha), but to remind myself daily (and anyone who asks about it) that I am not big enough to save. I am not strong enough to be strong alone. But my God is. And at the time I said that prayer, the morning before my beautiful baby boy was born, my God knew I needed His strength. My God knew I needed His mighty hand.
So, as I walk through today, that's what I know. My God is faithful when I am not. My God is strong when I cannot be, when my baby boy couldn't be. My God is mighty......that's what I know today.