Rising up from the wreckage....

Sounds daunting, overwhelming, almost impossible.
There is a lot of wreckage going on in my life currently. So much so that rising up from it seems virtually impossible. I know it will happen, I'm a strong person. I know it will take time, I'm an able person. I know there will be peace again, I'm a believing person. But sometimes, the wreckage can be overwhelming.
Having to rise up from any form of wreckage usually goes hand in hand with finding confidence again. As I look back over the last two years I can see a trend. As the "wreckage" gets deeper, my confidence level gets lower. Confidence in everything. It's a hard place to be. It's a dark and lonely place to be. Rising up from hurt, pain, anger, shaken confidence can be a feat and many people don't, can't, won't do it. It's much easier being the person that says, "Woe, is me." It's much harder to be the person that stands up and determines that no matter what has happened, it can be okay, it will be okay, and ..... rise up. There was a song back 2007 by R. Kelly (I know, really? R. Kelly...but read the words). The chorus goes like this:
"Rise up, when you feel you can't go on. Rise up, when you feel your hope is gone. Rise up, when you're weak and you can't be strong. Rise up, when the tears start to fall. Rise up, when you feel you've given it your all."
I have no idea the background story to this song, or why it was written. But how appropriate. Rising up, rebuilding your confidence isn't easy, no one said it would be. But there is help. There is hope in the idea that rising up from the wreckage can be done. It is a daunting and overwhelming task. It's scary and hard and painful. But it is possible.

"Such confidence as this is ours through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our confidence comes from God." 1 Cor. 3:4-5

Zephania 3:17

"The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing."

I have this verse tattooed on my wrist (my mom hates that!). I chose this verse for my son while he was in the hospital. Every day he was there I prayed this verse over him. When he entered the NICU, my mom gave me a small journal to write each day in. She told me that I would look back on the pages of the journal and I would want to remember that time; the good, the bad and the ugly. This verse was a theme throughout. I needed something/someone bigger than me or all the doctors to save him. Little did I know that when I chose this verse it would end up being such a big part of my life.
The Lord your God is with you. When I am crying alone on the freeway driving home from the hospital. When I am sitting with my baby boy AT HOME, fully recovered and whole. When I am searching for answers and think there are none. When I am all alone. When there does not seem to be an end in sight. He is with me.
He is mighty to save. Thank God. He not only saves, but He is mighty. When I needed Him to be mighty and save Ethan. When I need Him to pick me up because I cannot stand on my own. He is mighty and He saves. Thank God.
He takes great delight in me. Even when there are other people who want to destroy and take the delight away, He delights in me!
He will quiet me with His spirit. Ok, this one gets me. When I get nervous, scared, unsure, I go from 0 to 60 in a split second. I go from one extreme to the next and there is no stopping in sight. He will quiet me. He will gently whisper, "Slow your roll, chica!". This is usually done through my mom! However it happens, He does. He gives me answers and quiets me.
He rejoices over me. Even when I have the worst idea of myself and think I cannot continue, He rejoices over me.
I love this verse. Life has and will be a roller coaster, but man.....My God is Mighty to Save!!

Tears

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." - Revelation 21:4
I have dear friend who introduced me to this verse. It speaks volumes doesn't it? When the pain is overwhelming; when the crying will not stop; when the mourning for something that once was seems as though it will never end, this is when He wipes the tears away. This is when He carries you instead of walks beside you.
Today is and will be tearful. But I know that eventually they will stop and I know why, because He has wiped them away.

Hungry???

Every day I get sent a devotional. Today's was about having an insatiable hunger for Jesus and His love. I read it, I agreed with it, I thought about it, I wanted to be able to write that I too have an insatiable hunger for Jesus. I stopped half way through my morning. Do I have this? Do I even understand what this means?
When I think about an insatiable hunger for God, I think blaring my Natalie Grant CD while on my way to a church service where I will learn how to make my $1 stretch and feed an entire village in Haiti. All while wearing an I love Jesus t-shirt and a WWJD bracelet, a bag of "Meet My God" pamphlets and the sinner's prayer memorized. Obviously, this is wrong. Insatiable hunger, in my opinion, is not this. This seems misguided to me. BUT, how many times have we encountered someone who DOES think this way, Christian or non? How many people have we met that find out we are a Christian and automatically go here?
I think, like a lot of us, we are in desperate desire to want a true insatiable hunger for Christ, but perhaps we need to take baby steps. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean not ready to be insatiably hungry for God, but some of us just need to be able to say, "ok, I can't (fill in the blank) so You (fill in the blank)." Some of us just need to be able to sit down and trust that the rest of the day, week, month, will be okay because we know He will take care of us. Maybe there are those of us who need to just trust that this moment is going to be taken care of (even if my "I love JC" t shirt is in the wash!). I think so many times we get caught up in being the perfect Christian or even a Christian that has the outward appearance of being perfect. Guess what? Not gonna happen.
So here is my challenge...desire to have an insatiable hunger for your Lord. BUT, understand that if your hunger is not "insatiable" right now, it can be....

Life sometimes blows!

Today has been the hardest day to date over the past few months. I had forgotten just how malicious and mean spirited people can be. I had forgotten that being civil and adult like is NOT the norm any longer. I had forgotten how much one single person can cry at any given moment. BUT, I had also forgotten the resounding strength of family; the pure hearts of people who simply want the best for you. After all of that I get to look at this.....this little boy who is AAAMMMMAAAAZZZINNNGGGG!!!!! I love you Ethan!

Disappointment expected...

After having a baby, I realized what true exhaustion was. After taking care of that baby alone, exhaustion increased to a whole new level. After taking care of that baby alone, while trying to handle life.....frankly....it takes an act of God to get me through a day. Being tired is getting old!
That's not at all what this post is about, but sometimes a chick just needs to vent.
Anyway...
We have all been disappointed at some point or another. Either by a person, a situation, (balancing our checkbooks...LOL), but we have all been there. I think the hardest thing to work through when dealing with disappointment from a person, is the impact it has on every aspect of you, your day, your attitude...everything.
I've been disappointed a lot lately, by a multitude of things and people. So why keep going? Why keep trying? The cliche answer is, "for my kids," "for my family." All great answers but sometimes ya just need more. I was reading this morning and came across an article about dealing the disappointment and our response to it. The basic idea of the article was saying, "What now Lord?" instead of saying, "Why God?" I thought this was interesting. It's easier said than done. Disappointment automatically brings the inevitable question of, "why?" Why did he say that? Why didn't he follow through? Why did she talk about me? Why? Why? Why? Why?
At first glance of this article I agreed, okay okay, good point and that's great. But as the day progressed and more disappointment was heaped on top of more disappointment, this idea started to resonate. Not why is this happening to me? I have been a good person and I don't deserve this. Notice anything in those sentences? There's a lot of "I's". I think the point of making the transition between Why God and What now God is taking the focus off of our troubles and woes and placing the focus on Him. Again, this is easier said than done and it certainly sounds like a Sunday sermon lesson, I get it! BUT, hear me out.
When you are faced with disappointment today and tomorrow, instead of asking why (okay, let's be real here, instead of cursing and THEN asking why), ask what now. I think you'll be fairly surprised at how quickly you change.
Time for a real life example. As a single momma, I had a part time job to pay some bills. It was great, they were great, I was doing well and they liked me. There were some MAJOR changes in the company and my position was "altered." That's a fancy way of saying they made a mistake when hiring a part time person and really needed a full time person, so now they are trying to figure out how to CYA! When they called and told me that my job had been altered, I was NOT happy. In fact, I was pissed. I had made plans, budgeted, worked out childcare, bought the clothes....all for nothing. DISAPPOINTED MUCH! I asked why a lot!!! But today, as I sat in front of the computer trying to piece together what the next chapter in my life was going to look like, I realized how asking why was NOT helping. I have no answers, but I know that when I stopped asking why and started asking what now, it allowed me to start seeing what could be.
What about you? When your spouse does something, stupid, irresponsible, hurtful..are you asking why or what now Lord? When your kids disappoint you..are you asking why or what now Lord? When you loose a job...are you asking why or what now Lord? When everyone seems to be doing well and you feel like you are being left in the dust...are you asking why or what now Lord?
I get it. This is a hard thing to do, but aren't we promised that He will work things together for our good? Aren't we told to not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself? Isn't it commanded of us to have faith like a child? No matter how painful or heartbreaking the disappointment might be, God's answer to our question, "What now Lord?" is ALWAYS, "Trust me, trust me."
So really the question comes down to that, will you trust Him through the disappointments??